By Perry Shredson Jr.

Gnar, redefined

Undergraduate students from Western’s Clark Family School of Environment and Sustainability (ENVS) banded together this week to build a gigantic compost pile (new dirt, for the environmentally uninitiated) in the center of campus and are conducting a series of paganistic Earth-worship ceremonies, complete with ritualistic chanting, a drum circle, and blood sacrifices.

Dr. Jean Hausdoerfoefle of the ENVS Department has assumed a leadership role among the throng of students, conducting readings from his many books and waxing philosophically about the greater meaning of the day.

Already, the pile’s creation has attracted a slew of wild critters, including maggots, rats, moles, and even the rare, endangered Gunnison’s Prairie Dog. Western’s Wildlife Society was on the scene on Monday to study and admire the creatures.

Recreation and Education (ROE) students have been seen advocating for new trails to shred
down the pile, creating tension around potential wildlife impacts. Reactions from other departments across campus are mixed, verging on testy. The Business Department and Pre-Law students and faculty quickly combined efforts on a nuisance lawsuit against the pile’s unsightliness and horrid smell, filed just two hours after the pile emerged.

Regarding the smell, Organics Guild’s Noble Dictator Maxamillion Sawyer deferred to the
undergraduates who had catastrophically misinterpreted the group’s directions and placed an
overabundance of avocado pits and bacon grease in the pile.

Tensions soon arose between the normally allied Business and Pre-Law students when the Business majors bailed on the lawsuit and began selling tickets to the pagan festivities to an amassing cohort of visitors from Texas and California.

Philosophy majors were seen in the wings seeking to make sense of it all, furiously consulting their Nietzsche and Descartes tomes. Philosophy Department Chair Dr. Franklin Macabre was overheard coaching the students on the meaning of life, death, and ritual, as many stood aghast at the horrors of the unfolding scene.

Meanwhile, Art and Theater majors encroached on the pile, attempting sculpture work with the exciting new medium and applying dirt to their faces in a form of costuming. Art students were warned to be careful, however, should they accidentally camouflage themselves and lead to their beloved department’s budget being slashed due to a perceived enrollment dive.

Political Science students attempted to intervene in the contentious compost crisis with formal position papers and canned speeches but were met with fierce resistance from all corners of campus.

A few lone GIS students began mapping the pile’s continued expansion using CompostGIS software, while representatives from the History Department struggled to put the unfolding events in proper historical context. Librarians stood by to locate relevant resources, shaking their heads in a mixture of disbelief and intrigue, as they so often do.

Dr. Hausdoerfoefle, as of press time, is three hours deep into a environmental philosophy lecture concerning the history of dirt and compost in the environmental movement, with reported sales of more than $1400 worth of his many, many books.   

At press time, there was no comment from the Facilities Department, as it appears the entire staff has fainted and was unable to be reached.