By Joe Montanya

Western administrators have released an official statement indicating their plans to initiate the
final in a long series of rebrands and name alterations. Indeed, the rumors are true, Western Colorado University, pending final state approval, will officially become Wasted State University by 2025.

Citing the accurate portrayal of the quality of Western’s academic programs, Western’s Marketing Department says the name change aligns Western’s core values of skiing, partying, and slacking off our institution’s official brand.

“With this name change, we can embrace and honor the school’s authentic self, a long history of
wastedness tracing back to at least the 1960s, and begin promoting the school’s strongest assets,” noted Anita DeBaucheré, head of Western’s (soon to be Wasted’s) Marketing Department.

University administrators cite the Western Barstool Instagram account as a guiding light in the
decision. After viewing the drunken debauchery publicly available on the account, there can be little remaining doubt as to the university’s priorities. Add in a long lineage of jokes about the school’s skiing focus, including a popular t-shirt design (seen above), and the change was ultimately inevitable.

While various corners of campus have offered some pushback to the name change, most are simply relieved to not have to pretend to be studious anymore. Prospective and current Paul M. Rady School of Computer Science and Engineering students appear to have hardly noticed the announcement, entirely preoccupied by either their schoolwork or their Dungeons and Dragons games (this reporter could not confirm before deadline).

At press time, Art students were furiously sketching prospective logos while downing pitchers of
PBR at Powerstop for inspiration.

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